walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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