Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
