saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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