Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
