obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
