is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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