And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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