my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
