My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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