What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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