So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Nicole vs. Life
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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