Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
