1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
