my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
