you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
