I wanna passion pit in your ass
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
