Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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