Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
