Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
party gras won. party gras always wins.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
