# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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