Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
