It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
