im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
