he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
