I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
