My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
