why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
