I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
