Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
