please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
