The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
