No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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