Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Randomize
