i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
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