I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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