Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
