I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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