So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
