I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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