drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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