I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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