I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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