hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
