So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
