you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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