I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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