he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
