planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
