My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
