You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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