It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
