I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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