he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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